From him:

“bear you are the best friend i ever had wanna thank you for everything was looking at pictures off london was the best time i ever had miss you love you as a friend”

Kind of too late actually.

Besides, there is someone new amusing me lately.

I used to write this as: wanting to get him back.

But my heart is actually healing from all the rubbish he is feeding me. So maybe it is going to be… how I healed myself in 30 days.

Oh, and it also means i need to get the refund on the book.

—

I talked to like a long time to R yesterday, he is my counseller here which makes things much better because I feel much better. Its strange, that I feel the same things as previously more than a year ago, which makes me think that maybe back then I should have made the decision.

And that life would get better and better once again.

—

He doesn’t deserve closure. His last thought of me would be me still saying there is a way out. And thats all he deserves from me.

I swallowed his lies.

His sex straved animal thoughts.

His cheating ways.

Him saying that he doesn’t search for things.

Him being a jealous stalker which followed me everywhere.

Him being all the things which couldn’t make me happy anymore.

—

We had good memories though. Like I will always remember us.

Doing the groceries for me.

Going to VDV hotel and eating wonderful crab.

Going to the UK.

Doing the groceries in UK.

Watching Dave and Dragon’s Den and Top Gear on the television.

Long soaks in the bubble baths.

You shaving my moustache.

You waking up thinking that you have lost me.

You not letting me go to Harrods myself because you didn’t want to show that you have lost me.

Your mother sending us to the airport.

Your mark sending us back from the airport.

Us getting the same shoes in the Nike store.

You calling your mother in the Apple Store.

We eating the wonderful Thai food in our hostel stop.

Us not daring to go out because we were living in Stratford and it was so dangerous outside.

—

I geniunely still believe that you really loved me.

I still do.

—

But I also geniunely believe that there is a devil inside you and I cannot help you or help myself anymore. I don’t want to become like you. And I believe from the bottom of my heart to wish you all the best.

—

But even if you die this time. I cannot catch you when you fall. I’m sorry.

He was always nice to begin with. Really nice. But he was so much like his father in every way, revolving eyes and blaming other people. Surprisingly people let him get away with things because he was young, but 25 is not young anymore, and a 25 year old taking advantage of a 16 year old? When should someone who is 16 have sex anyway? I wasn’t. I was actually having an education in a school instead of attempting to fuck men ten years older than me.

Sex however, makes you want to keep the relationship running. In a sense it is bad (for me). Because I tried all ways and means even though I knew that it was not working. It was obvious, when I knew him he rushed over everyday from work, at 7, where we would cook together or do groceries together. Midway he would then come at 9, because I was at the father’s home, and he would stay for only an hour. And then later on, 9 was actually an early time slot because he would come at 11 most of the times. When a guy does that he is obviously losing interest in you. And a sex maniac coming only once a week, I guess that situation is hard to bear, you have a part of you which think what he could be doing outside.

Speaking of which, that part made me sick sick sick. When I came back, it was not mind over matter. This was one year ago. He already had a part of his head determined with this other girl. And there was nothing I could do about it, except wait for his response. But since she was not girlfriend material back then he did not want to switch girlfriends, but said excuses and I waited for him because he forced himself at me previously days before.

Could I have seen the signs? Back then everything was in the name of fun. It lasted almost two years but it seems to be longer and more painful then that. It seems that someone ripped out a band-aid and that it is difficult for me to put things back together again.

Still, deep down, I know. I know that he might be begging for me back. But this time, it is different. It is different because it is obvious that he never respected me or loved me at all. It was all about him, always about him, everything about him. He and his boring sick life with little girls. And I will move on from this mess.

I’m not going to be the backup. He lost me the day he chose her over me. And said that he feels bad, we should not be having sex. And that he has another girl now. How hurtful is that to say that to someone who loves you?

I wanted to get him back. But now I think its better to leave things lying and not have him as a friend at all. The memories were good. But in the end he is just a manipulative player.

You know, if a guy wants you, he wants you. He doesn’t just come over to your house for sex. He doesn’t stalk you on gtalk or msn, he would actually pay money to sms you or call you. Not the way he is doing it. I’m just nothing for him. Just an arm-length girl. And it took me so long for me to actually see and recognise that.

—

Anger is still there. He dares to try to say hi to me online again and again. Or is it because she is not online for him to talk to and then she talks to me. He found someone else and hence did not want to come to me. And made her leave her boyfriend. And she is so young. He is sick in the head.

—

Learnt about the truth. The girl wanted him very much, and had sex with him already. Talk about being a whore. Well it is good that I know, it is time to get along with my life. I just feel so betrayed right now, I never started to talk to guys in order to fuck them of any sort. I feel extremely sick thinking of this. I’m going to get over it and get a new guy. Really, God, please bring me a new guy in my life worth my effort.

—

Its not worth my time. I don’t even want to think about even wanting him back. My mind really needs to get this set. A guy so selfish that when a sixteen year old throws herself at him, offering him sex. He will take her over his girlfriend who he had shared so much good memories with.

Wish him luck.

I’m still angry.

I can’t help it but I still am. I’m having such conflicting emotions right now.

This should be reset to day one again actually. I will write my NC letter.

In the meantime I will also find a new boyfriend.

—

I met M1. He was so nice, came all the way from Rotterdam just to find me. Little old me. After talking to him I felt better. After talking to M2 I felt much better as well. I came home and blocked everything. I know he is meeting her. So why put myself into such misery? I imagined all the little things that were happening right now. I still checked his email, but that would be alright. The lesser you checked the better.

Recalling what I said. When you wake up at 4am checking his email, you know that you will be going crazy, or you have gone crazy, or it is doing insane things to your mental health.

So I slept with him. Yesterday night. In the midnight when I was feeling lonely. Knowing that he had another girl. A sixteen year old year. I imagined all the times he would do to her. And to me.

I think its hard to imagine all this.

I think its even harder to imagine that regardless I slept with him just to get him back for that period of time and I hate myself for that.

Whilst he goes for another girl. Enjoys his life. I’m here trying to get the pieces of my life together just like that.

I can’t believe what I did last night. Could sleep. Slept upon thinking of Harry Potter and Snape – which was fantastic. Then woke up at 4 thinking of the ex.

I thought of how he is still talking to me aka he misses me.

I thought of how his friends are telling me that he likes another girl – and knowing him if he can’t get her, he will go for her friends, until he gets someone. Because he cannot bear to be alone.

All these thoughts are bad bad bad. And then I started to stalk out his hyves and hotmail (again!). And of course nobody writes things at 4am in the night.

—

This is no good.

—

I think to keep my mind off other things. Becuase life is going to get better somewhat. I need to absolutely get him off my system and then life is going to be good. I cannot imagine living like this, thinking of the things he is doing right now. Or the things he would be doing in Ibiza. Fucking a new girl everyweek. Calling that girl to make sure that he is okay. Things which he always did with me.

—

But I should not think about all this! It is driving me crazy and I think I cannot even put the NC with only tags to show how my life has moved on without him.

The best thing for now is probably that I just go offline. For the next few days. On pretense that I’m out of town for work. And that there is no way he can contact me at all.

And in the meantime I shall concentrate on work or Harry Potter.

K says that maybe he should quit his job to find me here. And maybe he is right. I’m becoming the ever present needy female who needs a guy around her all the time. Gadd.

—

God he needs to rub it in my face there is a new girl – but who cares actually right? I really need to get rid of him and talking to Sharon today and getting my code to work actually means quite a lot to me today. I think that I’m getting there. As long as we don’t talk and I don’t know anything. Things will get better!

BTW Had a big temptation to ask the girl. But honestly, who cares right. Even if he is after her or not. Its better that I not know anything at all!

—

I NEED to stay off the online profile. I need to stop thinking what he might be doing. Like chasing after her for example. If he thinks he can be happy wtih a sixteen year old then he should just be happy with a sixteen year old.

Watching more Harry Potter. Hope Sharon gets online soon!